The Skinny on Me

I ‘spose a Happy Thanksgiving is in order, seeing how I have yet to post anything at all, all week. Oops.

Last Saturday, I flew into Tucson to spend a week with friends and family. One week later, you can say I am both happy and sad to be going.

• The Good: Spending time with my aunt and uncle, whom I haven’t seen in about a year and a half.
• The Bad: On several occasions my mom eluded to me being fat. At one point she even said, “yes, you are fat.” Today’s comment (mind you, this was not said to me, rather my grandmother. I just happened to overhear it.) “Well, she is getting bigger.”
• The Good: Saw my roommate from senior year of college for the first time since we had a big falling out. It went really well.
• The Bad: I spent most of the bitching and moaning about something my mom said or did. In my defense, if you’ve never had your mother tell you, “yes, you are fat” to your face, you have no idea how a comment like that can fuck with your overall mood and willingness to be pleasant. Plus, my mother has a long history of “unintentionally” hitting my buttions.
• The Good: Thanksgiving food
• The Bad: Too much Thanksgiving food
• The Good: I ran a 5k on Thanksgiving Day!
• The Bad: I am suffering from some serious ankle problems thanks to my old shoes and my feet’s tendencies to under pronate. End result: my ankles now hurt so much when I run that I want to cry. Because of this, I finished the 5k in 42:24. Sure, it’s not horrible, but my goal was under 40 minutes.

While meandering through the airport this evening, occasionally sneaking glances of myself in the reflection of windows, I couldn’t get my mother’s words out my head: “Well, she is getting bigger.”

I don’t know how to react to that. I want her support; I need her support. She doesn’t understand how bad I am already feeling about my weight. It’s like she doesn’t understand that I want to be pretty and thin; instead, she seems to think I am perfectly okay with my life choices. Well, I’m not.

I am constantly battling against my urges to be lazy, eat sweets or eat good, high calorie foods. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I am trying. I wake up in the mornings to run in the cold, when all I want to do is curl up in my bed.

Do I need to get my act together and do better? Yes. But at the same time, I also need my family’s love and support, not hurtful comments like, “you’re fat.”