The Skinny on Me

Over the last few days (possibly even the last week), I’ve started and erased a half a dozen or so blog entries. In my head, I have so much to say, but it never sounds right when I get out on paper (read: computer screen).

Lately, I’ve been recollecting quite a bit. I’m trying to figure out what when wrong, when I started to become unhappy. I’m trying to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I’m trying to figure out how to get back on track, how to find that happiness. I’m trying to figure out what’s next. And I’m trying to figure out how in the world any one (guy) could ever love me when I don’t love myself and I bring the burden of a messed up and dysfunctional family relationship with me.

Why am I unhappy?

To share some light on the first question, I have no idea when I lost my happy-go-lucky self. In high school, I dealt with a lot of stuff. I experienced my first long-term relationship where I changed so much of who I was to fit him. I seemed to have a forever ongoing fight with my mom. I lost a lot weight. I gained a lot of weight. After high school, my mom and I’s fighting escalated to new heights. I had my heart broken. I never really found my college niche. Along the way, I chipped away at parts of who I am, while other parts of me were taken away. 

For a while, I thought that maybe I had finally gotten back to being the girl I was before. I’m beginning to realize though, that maybe that’s not the case. I’m also beginning to realize that maybe losing the weight will help, but if I don’t fix all my other problems twenty or thirty pounds from now isn’t going to make all the difference. 

What do I want to do with my life?

Isn’t this always the golden question? What, oh what, do I want to do with my life? I want to see the world. I want to speak different languages. I want to be happy. I want to experience things I never thought I would. 

Ultimately, we can all be dreamers. So, I have to pin point my passions and turn them into realities. What are my passions? Well, the things I love the most are photography and cooking. To me, there is no better place than the darkroom. To me, developing a photo is like therapy, gently rocking the developer tray back and forth and watching a beautiful image appear… it’s like magic.

Then, there is cooking. I’ve been contemplating cooking school for a while now. I’ve always been interested in cooking (and I’ve always loved to bake), but never really thought about it as a legit option. Then, when I became extremely interested in pursuing food PR as a career, I began to think that it would be a good opportunity for me to learn about food in general. 

I’ve also thought about applying to the Peace Corps. I don’t know what I would do with my stuff or mainly my dog, so it’s never really been something I thought I could do. I also have this feeling they would never hire someone with my background (PR, Advertising). Though, I have started the application process a time or two. 

How can I find happiness?

• Adjust my expectations of my mother — I’m not kidding here. For the longest time, I’ve dealt with what she calls “an stupid case of sibling rivalry”, but it’s not my brother I have the problem with. It’s how she treats my brother and I differently. It’s how she’ll fly him out for Christmas, but not me. It’s how she’ll give him a car, but not me. It’s how they get along. It’s how I’m always written off as the problem causer, the over-emotional drama queen. It’s how, according to her, everything always seems to be my fault. My expectations of her also need to change, because I always expect her to suddenly become a good mother, a mother who cares and says what I need her to say. I need to adjust my expectations, because every time she does something that upsets me, I’m the one who shouldn’t be surprised. 
• Lose the weight — It may not be the source of all my problems, but it does take quite a toll on my happiness. I never feel like I’m good enough. I never feel like a guy will like me. 
• Start incorporating my passions into my hobbies — In other words, join a freaking photography group or class. Find a way to get my stubborn ass back into that darkroom. Also, take a freaking cooking class while I’m at it. 
• Get a job — For too long, I’ve been stressing about making ends meet. I can never afford to pay my rent or buy groceries and that’s effecting me quite a bit. If I can’t afford the necessities, how am I supposed to afford to do things to help boost my emotional well-being?
• Run that freaking marathon! — I guess I haven’t updated you on this in quite sometime. I found a half-marathon in Chicago on April 1, a mere couple of days after my birthday. It’s been something I’ve wanted to do since I got into running. Last year, I hoped to run a half by my birthday this year. That didn’t happen, but I am bound to make it happen this time. To top that, my brother and I decided to run a marathon together. At this point, I’m thinking we’ll run the Chicago Marathon (since I live here), but we’ve haven’t made any official plans yet.

What’s next?

Will we ever really know? I hope a job, a half-marathon, a full-marathon… a guy? 

I’ve also come to realize that maybe, just maybe, I should opt out of family holidays. They always come with a bit of disappointment and are more of an emotional drain than I am willing to deal with. Maybe next year, I’ll book a fantabulous vacation to Bali or the Maldives. 

Also, with all this off my chest (I feel much better already), I’ll get back to posting about my weight loss recaps. Stay tuned for that!