The Skinny on Me

A few posts ago, I talked about starting another blog chronicling my efforts at my very own happiness project. Though I haven’t started the blog yet, I have begun a few of the steps. First, I’m reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, but y’all should already know that (assuming you read my first post). Secondly, I started writing morning pages (per the recommendation of Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity) 

Now you might be thinking, how did we go from “I’m afraid” to this happiness project mumbo jumbo to “higher creativity”? Well, I’m trying whatever I think might help, and if unblocking my creativity helps, that’s fantastic (it’s been way too long since I let my creativity go buck wild). The point is, I’m trying it. If you don’t try it, you’ll never know. 

Typically, you are supposed to write your morning pages (three of them) in the morning (go figure). This morning, I did just that. But then, after leaving the house for an informational interview, I realized that the sidewalks were too slippery for my run today and that they will most likely be the same, or worse, tomorrow. Problem? Yes. 

After much consideration, I decided my safest bet was to simply use a free 7-day trial at a gym down my street. This was perfectly all right until suddenly it wasn’t. I don’t know what changed, but something most definitely did. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel like running, I still do want to go for a run. It was more that I was well… afraid.

When I got home, I wrote a fourth morning afternoon page:

For some reason or another, I’m afraid to go walk my half-marathon-in-training ass to the gym (a mere two blocks away). I’m afraid they’ll judge me for being overweight. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for only needing to run 3 miles today. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for not knowing any strength-building exercises. I’m afraid they judge me after only running for about 35 minutes. I’m afraid.

I managed to somewhat talk myself out of it’s funk, and by the end of the page I was saying this:

…I’m still afraid, which is proof that I need to go. I need to go because exercise helps improve your mood. I need to go because losing weight helps improve your mood. I need to go because I’m the insecure one who judges people to make myself feel better. I need to go because I will be running that half marathon on April 1st. 

I will do it. Just do it. 

So now, I’m sitting in my kitchen dressed and ready to go, and I will be going. I just wanted to write this post first. As I said above, I’m still afraid they’ll judge. But my reasons for going are greater than any judgmental thoughts they might have (but even if they do, I’ll never know them). 

TTYL — after I kick ass at my three mile time!