The Skinny on Me

I wrote this on my way home from work today:

Routines. All they take is a little effort, and before you know it, you’ve found yourself enveloped by it. What’s my routine you ask? Bringing my computer to work. Bringing my computer to work so that in the mornings I can edit and draft cover letters for my next job (read: better paying, better benefits, better commute) and in the evenings I can do this. I can write.

I haven’t done a weigh-in this week, because we’ve had company. Tomorrow, that’ll change. Though I doubt I’ll be happy with the number.

One routine I haven’t been able to accept is that healthy lifestyle I tried so hard to adopt. Tried. Trying. Meh. It’s a lot harder than you’d think. It’s definitely been more difficult than falling into a routine of lugging around my macbook.

I’m hoping I can change that. I’m hoping I can hop back on that running bandwagon. I still have my hopes and dreams of running a half marathon. And last week’s Bunny Rock 5k only fueled the fire. As it turns out, there are a few this summer.

Chicago Women’s Half Marathon — June 22

Rock n’ Roll Half Marathon — July 24

It’s a little over 10 weeks until the 22nd of June. Can I do it? Can I go from couch (well… not really couch) to 13.1 miles in 10 weeks? Can I afford it? $65 ain’t cheap.

But then again, neither is being overweight.

10 weeks. 10 weeks of waking up at 5am, or 10 weeks of postponing social activities until after my run.

10 weeks of Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday runs. 10 weeks of shin splints and ankle pain.

Hmmm. I can do 10 weeks. I’m broke anyways, so it will be 10 weeks of saving money cause I’ll stop at 2 drinks in hopes of squeezing in a run the following morning.

10 weeks of sacrifices….

10 weeks of a new routine. 10 weeks of being healthy. 10 weeks of feeling better about myself today than I did yesterday.

I can do this; I will do this.

You say, 10 weeks ain’t too much time. I say, bring it… I’m liking this new routine.

Carpe Diem.

Then, I came home and did that… Seize the day, indeed.

In the anticipation/excitement of starting my new “big girl” job, I seriously underestimated the toll it would take on both my exercise routine and my eating habits. For starters, I’ve gone running once since I started my job. Although, I have also been sick since I started working too.

On top of that, my eating habits this past week and a half have been out the wazoo bad. We’re talking real bad. Today, my goals were simple:

Don’t drink alcohol
Leave one english muffin half untouched at breakfast (Eggs benedict… sauce on the side)
Order fruit instead of the potatoes
Maybe even skip the eggs benedict altogether…

I succeeded at one of them (no alcohol).

I also overloaded on sushi — 1/2 California Roll, Tuna Roll and Salmon Avocado. It was delicious, but in the end, was it worth it? I know I would have been fine less one roll. So no, it wasn’t really worth it.

I need to get back on track. I need to start running again. I gained a pound a half last week, and I am well on track to repeating that again this week. I worked hard. I was diligent. This is not the point to go and throw that all away. Even more, I — my hardest critic — was beginning to notice the changes. Why throw that away?

Remember how I felt over Thanksgiving? Remember what it was like to hear my own mother describe me as being fat, overweight and “getting bigger” continually over the break? Remember how I felt after downing too much Halloween candy? As painful as it may be, I need to remember all the things that pushed me in the first place.

And then, I need to remember all the things that happened after that made we want to keep going. I need to get back to that point. I can do it; I know I can.

Tomorrow, I’m getting my trial membership to LA Fitness. Tomorrow, I’m running three miles.

For the most part, I’ve already pre-planned my food for tomorrow:

Breakfast: 2 turkey sausage links (7 am), egg (9 am), chobani (11 am)
Lunch: 2 quinoa burgers, lettuce bun, tomato slices and a side of carrots (1 or 2 pm)
Snack: low-fat string cheese (3 or 4 pm)
Dinner: ???

I’m afraid.

A few posts ago, I talked about starting another blog chronicling my efforts at my very own happiness project. Though I haven’t started the blog yet, I have begun a few of the steps. First, I’m reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin, but y’all should already know that (assuming you read my first post). Secondly, I started writing morning pages (per the recommendation of Julia Cameron in The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity)

Now you might be thinking, how did we go from “I’m afraid” to this happiness project mumbo jumbo to “higher creativity”? Well, I’m trying whatever I think might help, and if unblocking my creativity helps, that’s fantastic (it’s been way too long since I let my creativity go buck wild). The point is, I’m trying it. If you don’t try it, you’ll never know.

Typically, you are supposed to write your morning pages (three of them) in the morning (go figure). This morning, I did just that. But then, after leaving the house for an informational interview, I realized that the sidewalks were too slippery for my run today and that they will most likely be the same, or worse, tomorrow. Problem? Yes.

After much consideration, I decided my safest bet was to simply use a free 7-day trial at a gym down my street. This was perfectly all right until suddenly it wasn’t. I don’t know what changed, but something most definitely did. It wasn’t that I didn’t feel like running, I still do want to go for a run. It was more that I was well… afraid.

When I got home, I wrote a fourth ~~morning~~ afternoon page:

For some reason or another, I’m afraid to go walk my half-marathon-in-training ass to the gym (a mere two blocks away). I’m afraid they’ll judge me for being overweight. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for only needing to run 3 miles today. I’m afraid they’ll judge me for not knowing any strength-building exercises. I’m afraid they judge me after only running for about 35 minutes. I’m afraid.

I managed to somewhat talk myself out of it’s funk, and by the end of the page I was saying this:

…I’m still afraid, which is proof that I need to go. I need to go because exercise helps improve your mood. I need to go because losing weight helps improve your mood. I need to go because I’m the insecure one who judges people to make myself feel better. I need to go because I will be running that half marathon on April 1st.

I will do it. Just do it.

So now, I’m sitting in my kitchen dressed and ready to go, and I will be going. I just wanted to write this post first. As I said above, I’m still afraid they’ll judge. But my reasons for going are greater than any judgmental thoughts they might have (but even if they do, I’ll never know them).

TTYL — after I kick ass at my three mile time!